This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
