Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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