we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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