My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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