Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
