dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
