Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
