I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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