I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
