I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
