I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
