you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
