WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
