Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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