Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
