I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
