he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
