He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
