I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
