after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize