I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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