Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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