I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
