I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My bed smells like the plague
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
