About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
