There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
