fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
