When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
