ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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