I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
