Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
