I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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