In the future we'll all be gay
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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