I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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