Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize