bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
