Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize