walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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