I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
