It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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