I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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