I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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