i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
