who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
