There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
