My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
