I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
