Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
