You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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