Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
