also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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