I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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