"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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