dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
