Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
