Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
handjob tips. give me some.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize