i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize