Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
