I wish I could teleport
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
