sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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