It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
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