There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
