Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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