Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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