Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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