i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
