wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
