I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
