Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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