god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize