Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
