So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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