I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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